After the initial tears of sadness on the day that mom passed I've been doing well. Now I'm more relieved that she is finally at peace and without pain. For more than 10 months I've had no contact with mom, so it has been like she was gone already. Imagine what it's like to be told you can't talk to your mom knowing she is alive? I'll tell you it hurts like hell. But that was the way it was for me. I went to writing letters so that she could at least read what I was doing and knew that I was thinking of her. Then came the day that I couldn't do that anymore because she was seldom awake to read them. She had gotten so ill that she was no longer awake. Her husband told me not to call and now I was unable to write letters too.
Many days and nights I cried, mourned for my mom. Now the tears are not as plentiful. I'm content in knowing that mom is in her heavenly home without pain or sadness. My tears now come from memories, happy tears of days gone by. No one can take my memories away from me.
We live many many miles from our home state so travel is costly and long. Twice in less than 10 months we went to MN, it is not an inexpensive trip for us. Some will be very angry at me for not attending moms funeral and some will understand. To me mom had already passed months before. I mourned a long time already. Funerals are for the living, for closure. I've had my closure a long time ago. I want to remember mom for the happy vibrant person that she was. Plus I don't want to take a chance on cruel words from her husband. He is the reason we didn't come visit more often. He always made me feel unwelcome. Mom knew this and she understood how I felt. She and I talked many times about the way he treated me. But like I said, he was good to mom and that is what was important. Anyway it's my choice to not go to moms funeral. Hate me, or dislike me, I don't care. My mom would understand. She knows me better than anyone else.
Here is my final letter to mom:
Dear mommy,
On Monday August 26, I received a call with a request not to send any more letters to you. I was just heading out the door to drop a letter to you in the mailroom. I was told you were not awake anymore to read or hear them and it wouldn’t be long and you will be be home with our Lord.
As I looked at the un-mailed letter laying next to my keyboard I realized that I’ve lost another way of communicating with you. First it was no phone calls were to be made to you. I was told you couldn’t hear on the phone, and then it was too hard for you to talk. Little by little I lost all verbal communication, and emails. So I decided to go the old fashioned way of communicating and started to write letters. The chisel and stone were too hard for me to handle, so I used my computer and printer, I couldn’t find a pen that worked either. It started out as one letter a week letting you know what we were up to just like I did for years when we emailed back and forth. As your condition worsened I began to mail a letter twice a week. I knew you couldn’t write back, but I wanted you to know that I still thought of you everyday many times a day.
Growing up you were so strong, such an inspiration, you endured so much pain in your adult life. You worked multiple jobs, sometimes in one day, so there was food on the table and clothes on our back. You hurt daily from the over work but did it all out of love for your family. But you never lost faith or love for God. You knew better days were coming, but did not know when. You were strong and fought for your children, your friends, family, and for your life. You never went down without a fight.You always were strong and you proved that again these last ten months as well. Thank you mom for all that you did and endured for me. God sure made an amazing person when he made you.
I’ve never had your strength, but what I did have I learned from you. I don’t back down when I’m right even though some people call it being stubborn. I’ll stand up for my family even if it means I may end up with a black eye. Being knocked down just means I have to work harder to stay standing. I leaned on you many many times for the strength to do the right thing and learn more from you. I know when I was a teenager I tested your strength and love many times over. And you thought I would never learn. Sorry about those teenage years mom. But I too had a teenager at one time and we all know, What goes around comes around. A mother's love has no timestamp, it goes on forever no matter what.
Moms are suppose to have all the answers. When you didn’t have the answer you would point out the One that has all the answers, God. Phone bills reflected on the amount of strength I needed from you in my early years. And later, thankfully, calls were free and along came emails. Calls were much more private if we were alone in the room, and I loved hearing your voice. My secrets will go with you just as those from you will follow me to my grave, we made that promise to one another and I intend to keep it. We were not only mother and daughter but we were best friends. Sometimes I got a kick in the pants, and sometimes all you needed to do was listen so I could sound off. But never did you ever say you were disappointed in me. You were my rock, my main support, my strength. You understood many things that no one else ever will. I will forever be lost without you, even though it has been many many months since we could share like we used to do. I do know that you will always be with me even if only in my heart and memories.
It is because of my faith that I know you are no longer in pain and you are with our Lord. And because of my faith, I also know I will see you again one day. With the strength you taught me, I’ll continue on as you would want me to do. It won’t be easy, but with God's help, I can do anything.
Mommy, I know I’ve said my goodbyes to you, and told you that the next time I see you will be in heaven. And as you know, I don’t like to say good bye, it’s too final, So, like I ended our phone calls, I’ll just say, “ I love you mommy, talk to you later”.
You are forever in my heart,
Cindy
